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Friday, 1 July 2016

I'm just a mother......

The flashbacks......
Was I really only 17 and holding this tiny huge eyed heartbeat....
There wasn't much to you except for eyes and jesus did those eyes go into overdrive on the way back to the ward....
I should start from the beginning but I won't because the beginning of us is a novel and nobody has time to read a novel these days. I will say that I wrote one while carrying you....
The fear was immense... I was barely aware of my body when you started changing it, yes you little blimp brought more changes to my body than anything I've been through since, and my body has been through some serious shit since.. you know that coz the hospital is more of a haunt these days then the library or the coffee shop...
Regrets... now there's another novel I won't start but I'm lucky I don't have many with you... a few I won't speak of... a few that I probably wouldn't change because wasn't that the hardest part of being a parent....
Ok I'm talking rubbish and I could stay here all night talking about your first word.. your first step.. your first everything but I won't because I came here for only one reason and that is to say that I'm in awe of you...
I'm in awe and amazed and I lie awake at night wondering how the fuck I got so lucky .... Two children and I hit gold...
A son I stand back and admire for picking himself up over and over again... He was knocked down, he got up.. He was knocked again and he said fuck it and got up again....
He too is a novel I'm not ready to write but I started it when he was 15 and became a man.... we all know why
I love that about him... miss his fucking face but I love his amazing strength.
I Love that he stands so tall.... And you girl, in two days you will be thousands of miles away and also standing tall (all five foot five of you) and I will miss your fucking face but jesus wept am I proud...
Little old me... got pregnant at 17 and now 26 years later this child... This amazing being is going to the other side of the world to teach children...
This amazing being is terrified and excited and I'm in the sidelines trying not to cry my heart out.. Trying not to scream to the world that this being is mine...
You see I don't own you baby girl but I sure as hell am blown away that I created you...
I fucking love your bravery even though you're scared shitless. ..
I love lees bravery when he did what he did after many kicks and terrified he did it anyway...
I fucking love that I'm going to be heart broken on Sunday...
I fucking love that you both have forced me to feel my heart everytime I see you...
Go there.... be as amazing as you always are...
Go there and take care of my heart when you get there....
One half of my heart will be in South Korea on Monday... the other half is already beating in Italy.....
Go there and give them a taste of what I already have..... just as lee did
Rae go there and show them how fucking amazing you are...
I love you girl... I love you lad....

Sincerely
Mam.....