It’s been three hours since it started. Three whole hours; Life was slowly slipping out of me and I had no idea what to do. I’m so afraid. How did people spend their last hours on earth? I’d been crying for two of the three hours but I knew I had to stop. I can’t just lie down and die crying. That would be such a waste; Lord I must be so brave. Here I am, at home on my own because Daddy is at work and Mammy is gone to Ballymahon on her bike to get the shopping and as for my brothers and sisters; well I don’t know where they are. They were told not to leave the house but the minute Mammy turned her back they were gone. They’re always going off without me and usually I follow them and get on their nerves but not today. Today I’m using my energy to stay alive.
I’m so restless. Part of me wishes I had followed my brothers and sisters’ coz even if they did fight with me at least I wouldn’t be alone. I wished someone would come home. There’s no telephone to ring anyone and even if we had a phone who would I ring? Its 1984 so no-one else has a phone either. Except maybe rich people but I don’t know any rich people in Ballymahon. All the rich people live in places like Dublin and even if I could phone them I wouldn’t know what to say to them. I couldn’t ring and say “Hello, I’m Valerie and I’m dying, please come and save me” Knowing my misfortune they’d phone the guards and report me and the guards would come and throw me in jail for annoying strangers. I don’t want to die in jail. Now I’m going to cry again.
There must be something I can do. I saw people die on television before but none of them were kids dying in a house in the middle of nowhere on their own. When the news breaks that I’m dead people are going to talk about it for years. I’ll be known as the incredibly brave little girl who died alone. RTE will come down to report it and the whole country will see it and people will flock to my house to get blessed and stuff coz I’ll be one of those sainted people in the bible and my family will weep and roar when Gay Byrne brings them on the Late Late Show coz they didn’t realise how wonderful I was and now I’m dead and they have to live with the guilt of leaving me alone. It serves them right, so it does. I wish I could be around to see Gina and Bernie’s faces when they realise they miss me but I can’t coz I’ll be dead.
I have to keep busy. I have to do something to forget the pain of death. I also need to work out how to confess my sins before I die coz I won’t be sainted otherwise and that would mean death is pointless. I need RTE to come here so my family will realise their loss, they won’t realise it on their own. I know what I’ll do. I’ll write a letter to everyone I love. Well, I’ll write a note coz I don’t know how much time I have left and I’m not wasting it with letters. Besides, I don’t love them that much. That’s a great idea, then I can tell them all the bad things I did to them and it’ll be the same as confessing to a priest. At least I hoped so, coz I have no chance of getting a priest at this stage in my dying hours. I’d better hurry and start them.
“To Mammy,
I love you. It was me that stole the box of sweets Daddy bought you for your birthday. I never get sweets and you were mean to me that day. You wouldn’t let me play in the rain. You punished my brothers when I blamed them. They deserved it. The sweets were lovely but I ate them so quick that I got sick afterwards.”
To Daddy,
I love you. I stole a cigarette from you the other day. I was trying to impress the boy down the road but it was a waste of time he still thinks I’m a pain. I sorry but if it helps I nearly choked on it.”
“To my sisters,
Thanks for always ignoring me and telling me to go away but I got you all back. It was me who broke all the make-up you all treasure so much and cut holes in your underwear. It was funny to watch you screaming at each other over it.”
“To my brothers,
Smelly brats who never figured out how Mammy and Daddy knew every move you make. Ha-Ha I told them.”
“To the boy I love,
I watch you every day and wish I had got to kiss you. Living close to you was so hard especially since you never talked to me. Bet you’ll miss me now.”
I sealed the last note with a kiss and wrote the name of the only boy I ever loved all over it. The only boy I will ever love, I thought sadly with a tear for I’ll be dead soon and then everyone will be sorry. I’m tired now. I think I’ll have a lie down. I better leave the notes on the kitchen table for I don’t know if I will ever wake up again. Actually I think I’ll put another note with them to explain that I’m dying just in case they get a fright when they find my body. I have to be careful what I write though; I don’t want to freak them out.
“To everybody,
By the time you read this I will be dead so be careful when you enter my bedroom. I wasn’t very good looking when I was alive so I’m positive I’ll be hideous in death. Don’t say I didn’t warn you all.”
My eyes are closing now so I make my way up to bed where I lie down and wait. Death is not too bad, I’m scared but it’s easier than I thought it would be. Goodbye everyone, goodbye world. Don’t miss me too much. My eyes closed now I let death wash over me.
“Valerie, you silly bitch, you’re not dying but you will be when we get hold of you”.
I jumped up trying to force my eyes open at the sound of Ginas voice and felt a fresh wave of pain run through me. Am I dead? Is this hell? That’s why I’m still in pain. Oh for all the bad things I did to everyone I’m in hell. Surely I didn’t go to hell? Twelve year old girls don’t go to hell, do they?
There is so much noise and shouting and even laughing. Something about me and a period and a......
Wait! I’ve heard that somewhere before. That’s it, it’s a woman’s thing! My sisters get it every month and now I’m twelve so I’m getting it. I’m not dying, HALLEUJAH!! I will live on.
Oh no, oh my god, no. The notes I wrote, the shame, the pain of what was to come when each of my family walloped me black and blue over the confessions.
Suddenly I wished I was dying.
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