My First Kiss

One of the stories I told you touched vaguely on the boy living next door. As I recall I said something about wanting him to fall in love with me. Well, I did, but I also wanted another boy to have a crush on me, the same way I let everyone think I had a crush on him. Confused? Imagine how I was feeling. I’d better explain.

I’m nearly 13. “On the verge of womanhood” My father would sigh, whenever I passed by him. Don’t ask me what he meant by that. I had enough problems trying to figure out why hair was sprouting all over my body. I’m a girl for God’s sake. My head is the only place hair should be, not in the funny places it was appearing. I’m getting worried coz I saw something about that on the telly, this girl was really a boy and she was getting bullied really badly. I get bullied sometimes in school; I hope they don’t know something I don’t. I asked Bernie and Gina if I’d be okay but they laughed and said I was something called a ‘Hermaphrodite’ or something like that. I must look it up in the dictionary because it sounds like I’m going to die at a young age. Anyway, thank god my crush doesn’t know about the hair. He’d run a mile. Ah, my crush. Believe me when I say I was infatuated. He was gorgeous; I thought the sun shone out of his behind. He has a cute behind. I could look at it without people catching me because they were all too busy trying to catch me looking at someone else. What? Still confused? Are you even listening?

Ok. When I say they I mean my brothers and sisters and the neighbours kids down the road. There was about fifteen of us all. We did everything together, actually they did everything together and I tagged along hoping they’d eventually enjoy my company. It hasn’t happened yet. Anyway, one of the boys next door is the same age as me. This is the one everyone thinks I like. I suppose it’s logical really. He’s my age, I’m his age, he’s in my class at school and everyone likes to play matchmaker so they’ve decided I want to be his girlfriend. Now, I’ve never had a boyfriend before, not from lack of trying I just seem to be unlucky (mind you lately I think it’s all this body hair, it’s putting boys off), and I’d really like one, just not him. No, I want his brother to be the one. The only problem is his brother is way older than me and doesn’t know I exist. Well, he does but not in the way I’d like. It’s been so easy in my imagination because then he walks up to me and plants a five minute smacker on my lips. (I watch Dallas when Daddy is not around and I’ve seen the actors kiss like that, it’s so sophisticated). Then he tells me he’s always loved me and would like nothing more than to marry me for he would die if I wasn’t by his side for the rest of his life. (Yeah I know I’m not thirteen yet, I don’t actually want to get married. It’s only a daydream remember).

Unfortunately, reality is never the same as a daydream. In reality he barely even says hello. Now and again if I step in his way (just to breathe his scent for a minute) he’ll push past me and mutter something I can’t repeat here. Up to now that had been enough, anything is better than nothing.

But even my patience was wearing thin and I’d come to the conclusion that I had to get a kiss from him. I asked Bernie and Gina to tell me what it’s like to be kissed but they told me no one will ever kiss a “Hermodote”  Damn I can’t remember the name and I need to look it up.  Desperation was kicking in and if I didn’t get kissed soon I’d be an old maid and no one would want me. I’d be living alone by the time I was thirty, old with no one for company but the ten cats I’d adopt. But how was I going to get kissed? Even the boy that everyone thought I liked didn’t like me back. I really must be one of those ‘Hermrahobies’. All I really knew was it didn’t matter if he didn’t kiss me back because even if I did end up with just ten cats for company I could lie to people about my first kiss and describe it like the ones from Dallas.

Little could I have known when planning this that the very next night I would get my chance? There was about nine of us in our kitchen (with mammy washing dishes and me keeping a low profile in case they put me out for annoying them) and everyone was laughing and joking when the power went. Complete darkness fell on us and while everyone was screeching excitedly I did a quick calculation. My crush was three people away from me to my left. It would only take seconds to get to him and he need never know who kissed him. I felt so powerful.

Putting out my hands to steady myself, I stood up and carefully made my way towards him. I felt my way past the first person, then the second and finally there he was. My crush! My moment! Jesus, I thought my heart would fall out and land on his shoes. Imagine the mess that would make. Ok, relax and breathe, no need to close my eyes it’s already dark, second thoughts I will, it feels better and here goes? Ughh! It’s horrible and wet and wait, he feels funny. Oh no, is that the light on? Why is everyone laughing hysterically? I open my eyes and slowly peep out. Oh my God! I can’t believe I just kissed my mother!