You've just been offered a letter from home.... that makes no sense for some, sure you're at home so why would you need a letter from there, but what if now this minute you were offered a letter... one letter from someone you love, alive or lost to you.
Would you accept it.. Would you choose who it's from or would you let the fates decide and open the envelope?
What if you had no choice but to accept a letter....
I think I'd be okay with having to take a letter but only from someone living... Don't get me wrong I'd kill for a letter from Mam or Dad but I couldn't handle it I think.... I'm a firm believer of letting souls rest and I think we shouldn't know what is beyond that. I'm terrified that a letter from them would tell me anything other than they are together and happy, dancing and playing bingo. I like to think they're playing bingo, Daddy calling the numbers and Mammy playing about five books giving out about Daddy because she reckons he hasn't the balls to call out her balls.....
I'm laughing at writing that now but I heard it so many times as a child... God be with the days we didn't understand innuendo and thought it was hilarious that Daddys balls never matched Mammys.....
So a letter from them is a no no.... So I'm back to wondering if one from someone alive is a good idea.. then I think it has to be a letter from someone I really believe loves me.. .. that rules out someone telling me I'm an ass and me being okay with that cause fuck it I don't know how else to react to being called an ass....
What if the someone I choose isn't feeling the love or just isn't feeling the day before them and they write it never actually believing it would hurt. And as much as we long for a letter to make us feel better it becomes a letter that makes us cry.
There are so many letters I'd love to get but I wouldn't have the balls to read them...
Comes from the bingo game Mammy and Daddy played I suppose.... those balls are hard earned....
Do you really want to know what your loved ones would write. Could you really handle words inked from your kids or siblings that were never meant to hurt you but those words are there and you've just accepted the challenge to read them...
Christmas is coming and the tree goes up and every single light and decoration is placed there for something you hold dear and we decorate the tree with life and loss, memories and pain....
My letters to Santa swim around my mind... lord I asked for the stupidest things... imagine if Santa was to write to you and that letter explained that he didn't think you deserved the toys you begged for coz you were an annoying spoilt bit of a brazen child....
I think I prefer life to fall as it falls. I think I'm okay to pray that those we lost watch over us as we pray they sleep tight and those still with us sleep tight even after we may have prayed to upset them and we lie awake regretting it...
I'm very okay with not reading a letter from anyone that I love that might never leave me unable to sleep again....
I'm eternally grateful to be loved by those who love me and a little sometimes annoyed by me...
I'm going to continue a 47 year tradition and write to Santa with a prayer that he never writes back....
This year I'm asking Santa to please arrive in China and place a kiss on Lorraine from us and then get to Munich to leave another one on Lee.... time difference is a fucker, Lorraine gets Christmas day first, followed by Lee, then I'm hoping he'll be here sharpish to leave one for Matt from Jenny and as they all sleep he'll give them a dream that allow my lips to fall on their forehead and leave an eternal mark before they wake and after that I'm again holding out for that blasted wedding dress doll I never got and the understanding that he will leave a little letter of hope under the tree of everyone I love.... alive or lost to me...
He will, I know... because he's Santa .....
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Valerie Masters
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