I was about 7 in the dream and Daddy was my first image but it was as though he belonged there and I didn't. I felt like I was eavesdropping and could get caught at any minute which would leave me with a red arse and no tea at bedtime. But he couldn't see me, in fact I don't even think I was born.
I giggle at the thought of a red arse, daddy was too soft to do that but I'd def get no tea.
Leaning against the block factory office counter, a ring of cigarette smoke drifting up to an already brown ceiling and he wasn't happy... neither were the circle of men around him chatting. Jesus I knew most of them and there's more coming in and they're all united in disbelief. Talk of war and hunger and the need to keep people safe. Talk of people lost and dead and presumed dead... wasn't sure what presumed dead meant, sure you're either dead or you're not. Talk of anger and sorrow and suddenly I don't like it here. I don't feel safe and I always felt safe with daddy but he can't see me and the men are shocked and almost devastated. The calender on the wall is faded and it's years before me. It's years before all of us and I shiver.
I'm in the country shop kitchen and the soda bread has just come out of the oven and I'm safe again but I'm now surrounded by Mammy and so many others and they're buttering the bread and putting jam on it but when I reach for it I can't get it. The smell wafting is amazing and I'm hungry but I realise I'm not really there at all.
They're upset, really upset and that devastation I felt with Daddy is there and I'm not safe here either even though I'm always safe with Mammy. They're worried about money and jobs and life and when they'll see the men in their lives again. I shout that they're safe in the block factory but they can't hear me.
I have nowhere to go. The calender on the wall is faded and it's years before me. It's years before all of us and I shiver.
And then I'm home and Daddy and Mammy are there and they look so much older but calmer and they're talking about a virus and how we all have a chance. That it's not like the war or the famine. We don't have to go out to fight. We have to stay home and protect those who do. The nurses and doctors and carers and shop staff and drivers and i wonder what kind of war it is that means we can stay at home safe, warm and protected within our own walls. And I look out the window and all Mammy and daddy's friends are there and they're all praying for us and when I look away Mammy and Daddy are gone to them. But I'm inside and safe. Missing everyone, longing for my kids, longing for a hug from people I love but I wake up and for a long time I watch the night drift by me, shadows fading with the light rising and morning peeking in the window and I say a little thanks to those who left us but haven't forgotten us and I make a little promise to stay inside as much as possible and make those who lived through hardship proud of me and all of us
After all, all we have to do is stay at home....
Valerie Masters
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