He sleeps. He doesn't always sleep but tonight he sleeps. I'm watching him. What else would you be doing when you're not sleeping and it's ok because he is. I'm afraid to sleep tonight, suddenly mortality is on my shoulder and I'm afraid to sleep in case I don't wake up. That is frightening but I know it'll pass and I'm not as sick as I was. He was there all day watching me. I'm here now watching him. ... as I beg dawn to visit soon....
30 years together today. God the flashbacks. Sweet 16 and in Bernie Hacketts pub. "The Maple Arch" (and little do I know the importance of that pub to our lives) and he's there and he's ignoring me... again. Feels like this is becoming a habit and suddenly he's not ignoring me and we're dancing... well I could hardly call it dancing. It's a waltz but he's doing this slow dance thing and I'm thinking he's so cool to do that. How would I know he has two left feet. I'm about to find out over the next 30 years....
I'm 17 and hiding a pregnancy from everyone but him... Me, I'm a real life Olive Oil hiding about two stone of belly and I think I can pull it off till I can't and oh lord the scandal... yet the support and love is there like a massive hug around us and Lorraine arrives. Daddys girl that one.... 28 years later still is. She has him wrapped around her little finger.
And suddenly we're getting married, but Daddy is gone and Jesus this is hard coz Mammy is crying for him and Lorraine is crying because the video man is scary and I'm crying coz Matt is there waiting on me and this is what happiness tinged with loss feels like. And of course the wedding has to be in "The Maple Arch" with Bernie Hackett icing the cake Gina made and Olivia Nally giving us the most beautiful bedroom to prep in.
And it's over and we haven't a stick of furniture except a couple of borrowed beds and two torn apart armchairs but we've moved into our house and Matt is under the window on his knees playing a sweeping brush and singing def leppard songs completly out of tune and I know I'm in for a rollarcoaster ride with him.
30 years... with more ups and downs than the escalators at the Eiffel tower.
And then Lee arrives and our little family is complete but most of the furniture is still battered and borrowed but it's ours and sure it's only stuff.. but the def leppard cds are new and Matt has learned new songs but he's still out of tune And the kids think he's hilarious when he plays the sweeping brush....
And suddenly Jenny is gone and the world has gone dark and he no longer sleeps much. I watched him a lot when she left. It became a comfort thing I guess. A troubled line arrived on his forehead the day she left and when he sleeps it disappears so I write while he rests.
30 years and yet it feels like I just meet him yesterday. It's hard to get enough of him... his kindness stays with you.. leaves a lasting impression that you miss when he's not around.
And suddenly Mam is gone and it seems like the years are going to fast and just two minutes ago I was begging Berni to bring me to Bernie Hacketts coz my life would end if I didn't finally get to be with him...
30 years of love and loss and two amazing kids and a house that has almost all new furniture... lol never gonna happen. We like haphazard... but there will always be a sweeping brush in the kitchen so he can grab it and desicrate every song Def leppard ever wrote....
30 years today lad. Thank you for everything esp the last few days. You make a better Dj than you do singer but never stop belting them out....
You have my love always
Valerie Masters
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