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Friday, 1 July 2016

I'm just a mother......

The flashbacks......
Was I really only 17 and holding this tiny huge eyed heartbeat....
There wasn't much to you except for eyes and jesus did those eyes go into overdrive on the way back to the ward....
I should start from the beginning but I won't because the beginning of us is a novel and nobody has time to read a novel these days. I will say that I wrote one while carrying you....
The fear was immense... I was barely aware of my body when you started changing it, yes you little blimp brought more changes to my body than anything I've been through since, and my body has been through some serious shit since.. you know that coz the hospital is more of a haunt these days then the library or the coffee shop...
Regrets... now there's another novel I won't start but I'm lucky I don't have many with you... a few I won't speak of... a few that I probably wouldn't change because wasn't that the hardest part of being a parent....
Ok I'm talking rubbish and I could stay here all night talking about your first word.. your first step.. your first everything but I won't because I came here for only one reason and that is to say that I'm in awe of you...
I'm in awe and amazed and I lie awake at night wondering how the fuck I got so lucky .... Two children and I hit gold...
A son I stand back and admire for picking himself up over and over again... He was knocked down, he got up.. He was knocked again and he said fuck it and got up again....
He too is a novel I'm not ready to write but I started it when he was 15 and became a man.... we all know why
I love that about him... miss his fucking face but I love his amazing strength.
I Love that he stands so tall.... And you girl, in two days you will be thousands of miles away and also standing tall (all five foot five of you) and I will miss your fucking face but jesus wept am I proud...
Little old me... got pregnant at 17 and now 26 years later this child... This amazing being is going to the other side of the world to teach children...
This amazing being is terrified and excited and I'm in the sidelines trying not to cry my heart out.. Trying not to scream to the world that this being is mine...
You see I don't own you baby girl but I sure as hell am blown away that I created you...
I fucking love your bravery even though you're scared shitless. ..
I love lees bravery when he did what he did after many kicks and terrified he did it anyway...
I fucking love that I'm going to be heart broken on Sunday...
I fucking love that you both have forced me to feel my heart everytime I see you...
Go there.... be as amazing as you always are...
Go there and take care of my heart when you get there....
One half of my heart will be in South Korea on Monday... the other half is already beating in Italy.....
Go there and give them a taste of what I already have..... just as lee did
Rae go there and show them how fucking amazing you are...
I love you girl... I love you lad....

Sincerely
Mam.....

Saturday, 15 August 2015

Depression

Depression.... What a loaded word.. what a downright sometimes dangerous word for who really gets the right to talk about depression? Who is allowed to discuss it... I don't know and maybe it's ok not to know but maybe I want to talk about it. Have I ever been depressed?..... probably not seeing as I feel the need to ask that but can anyone really define what level you are at to be depressed. Was it when I couldn't sleep for worry, couldn't eat for fear of losing someone to it.
I've lived with depression, eaten with it, laid down at night with it, woke up beside it, climbed out from under the duvet from it and tiptoed to the next room where I sat and listened to it breathe and twist and turn and cry... I learned very quickly that depression showed itself in numerous forms. Denial..anger..fear. ..pain... normal everyday emotions that no longer reveal themselves. Watching them feel nothing was the killer... going through the motions without giving you an emotion is hard to swallow. The times I longed for a situation where a scream or an argument would have been normal became a situation I lived with. Did I try to goad an emotion, yes on numerous occasions but one thing I learned quickly was that I was trying to pull an emotion from something that had shut down. Was it painful yes it was... did I feel the denial...anger...fear and pain I wanted from them. I felt it like a thousands flames burning my skin but I couldn't make them feel it. That's depression in my mind. People who are alive and breathing and feeling nothing..
Depression is not like anything you'll ever witness.. you can't pack them off to a hospital for an operation like tonsils or appendix.. you can't give them treatment for an infection... you can't do anything but scream or cry for the very thing they can't do... they can't scream or cry because they feel nothing..... that nothing sinks the one looking on into a bottomless pool of hopelessness because all we have is emotion and all they have is none

Valerie Masters

Monday, 23 March 2015

Conversations in the dark

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Tuesday, 2 September 2014

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Monday, 11 August 2014

Saying goodbye

She wasn't entirely sure what the world
Expected from her
What she was supposed to do
When faced with the notion of life without him
Eyes lowered she fought the battle
Between letting the tears fall
Or forever letting them drown within her
The need to love him tore through
The missing him feeling breaking her in two
For my god she loved him
With her every breath she loved him

Valerie Masters

Friday, 8 August 2014

Listen..

Did you ever listen to the sound of a heart break
To the howl that drags itself up through your gut
And rips itself out through you
It tightens your chest and you struggle to breathe
Panicked you try to focus
Try to escape it's terrifying claws
But a heart breaking won't let you escape
It's howl will remain screaming through you
Until time ends your misery

Valerie Masters

Monday, 28 July 2014

Us, truth dawns

It was the moment I got trapped in
The idea of the moment that captured me
It was intense, new, captivating
It was us
Us became the new world
I longed for you, you never failed to deliver
We met in darkness, loved in darkness
Came together in the dark deep night
And nothing could ever change that

Nothing except the dawn
We never saw arriving

Valerie Masters

Monday, 14 July 2014

Faded whisper

It was a whisper in the twilight
That stung sweet along my skin
Not knowing whether I should or not
I answered the whisper and found you

It was the 'I love you' that you whispered
The 'I need you' in my life
It was the tender words that seeped through me
That melted me into you and let me fall in love

It was my heart that broke when the whisper
Became the voice that faded
Reminding me that you weren't here to stay
That you never loved me at all

Valerie Masters