I can't sleep because there's a sudden chill and I'm lost in yesterday and I can't stop myself from falling there so I fall and I wait for something to capture me and she's there. My mother, and I'm there and I'm about 7, a skinny thing with a face to large for my body and a nose too large for my face. And I want to laugh but I can't coz I'm crying, because 7 year old me is within touching distance of my mother and she's making soda bread and there's flour everywhere, her apron wiping her hands fixcates me because her fingerprints are left there and if I reach out I can interlock mine with them. But when I reach out I can't reach her so I throw my fingers into fists in frustration. I want to slap 7 year old me coz she's there and she's doing nothing except moaning about being hungry and wanting the bread thats already in the oven and doesn't care about the bread that's in the basin sticking to Mammys hands. I want to slap her hard because she could be hugging Mammy and I'm staring at her and longing to shake her. Then suddenly I'm her and I'm jumping up and throwing myself at Mammy and she's kneading the bread and wiping her left eyebrow with a hand covered in flour and shaking me off with a 'what the hell is wrong with you child' but I can't tell her that future me is there and needs to hold her but she can't because she's gone from future mes life and I miss her.
And suddenly I'm tasting her bread piled with butter and it's too much because it tastes like her voice and her scent and her arms holding me and I'm crying and the vision fades and I'm left choking on bread I'm not even eating.
And she's gone. Forever gone. And I can't sleep yet the bread I'm not eating is in my hand and it still tastes like her arms around me holding me until I finally nod off.....
Valerie Masters
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