Where's my willie?

“What’s that?” Peering over my brother’s shoulder won me a punch in the arm. “Ow, what was that for?” “I’m trying to pee” he snapped back. God brothers are a pain in the backside, I know he’s trying to pee, I’m not stupid, but I am fascinated with the way he’s peeing and what he’s using. “You pee different than me” I said hoping to not get another punch. “That’s coz I have a willie stupid, of course I pee different” pushing past me he ran out of the bathroom and up the hall. “But wait” I ran after him “Why haven’t I got one of those things?” The door slamming in front of me wasn’t going to stop me. I needed to know why I haven’t got a willie and I could only pray that the answer wouldn’t damage me too much.

“Coz you’re a freak, all girls have one” my brother’s voice came through the door and hit me like a ton of bricks. Close to tears I sat to the floor and tried to prevent them from falling. I’m always bloody crying and it’s not fair. There are 7 other kids in this house and yet I’m the one born with all the deformities. I’m bandy legged, my nose is taking over my face, my mother is a piece of marble in the garden, I’m never gonna have boobs, I smell (according to my sisters) I tried smelling myself but that didn’t help, I fart a lot and apparently I’m going to die very young from all these things coz people should only have one thing wrong with them and I have too many and now to add to all my heartache I have no willie coz I’m a freak. I have to figure this out and I’m determined not to go to Bernie and Gina this time coz they have to break all the bad news to me and it’s not fair on them to make them explain this one.

Ok there must be a reasonable explanation, These willie things hang out of you like a banana from a tree so clearly mine fell off somewhere and that’s why there’s nothing hanging there. Maybe I could find it.

5 hours later I’m exhausted and no closer to finding my willie. I’ve tried everywhere, under the beds, at the back of the house; I even went into the field next door where I play all the time but no luck. This is heartbreaking, I’m seven years old and I have no willie. I wonder if Bernie and Gina will show me theirs so I’ll get an idea of what it looks like. They must be different than my brother coz they’re girls and boys are yucky creatures so boys are bound to have an ugly one. There’s nothing for it I’ll have to bother Gina and Bernie again.

Timidly knocking on their door I sighed at the sound of them laughing and wished for once I’d be told the joke but knowing that would never happen I entered the room. “What do you want” they both spoke in unison while rolling their eyes at the sight of me. “I have a problem” I tried not to let the tears spill over. “Right come in and make it quick, we have things to do” Gina’s voice sounded harsh so I hoped they would be able to help me. I’d buy a willie but that’s impossible on account of the fact that we have no money. I know that coz I keep asking Mammy and Daddy for some to buy sweets and they keep saying no. “Valerie” they tell me while rolling their eyes at me “Money doesn’t grow on trees”. Well I know that! I’m not completely stupid. Actually I know that coz I went looking and nearly broke my neck falling out of one. I thought I saw money at the top of one and climbed up but it turns out for once they were telling me the truth, money doesn’t grow on trees. Thank God my brothers and sisters don’t know I went looking, they have enough reasons to laugh at me. I wonder if being the youngest is some kind of curse or do brains get handed out on special days when I’m not around coz my family reckon I’ve no brains (Thomas said I was dropped on my head as a baby and I’d love to know who did that to me coz they should be in jail) but having no brains worries me a lot, Thomas also told me that no man will ever marry me and that I’ll have no babies. Not that I want babies, dirty smelly things, I can’t stand them but someday when I’m really old I’ll need children to mind me and dress me.

“Em, it’s kinda tricky I’m missing something and I can’t find it” Nervously I looked to them both and tried not to stumble over my words. “Well” Bernie looked fed up with me already “What is it, spit it out”. “It's my eh my willie, I don’t have it anymore and I don’t know where it is”.

The peals of laughter lasted for what seemed like an eternity as I sat there and watched them fall around the room at my misery. I should never go to them with these things but I have no friends and can’t go to mammy so I’m left to face their ridicule in order to get to the truth about why I’m so deformed.

“Valerie” Gina spoke at last “Where did you get this from” “Well” I said trying to calm my voice. “I saw Thomas having a pee and he was using what he said was his Willie and then he told me I don’t have one coz I’m a freak but I’m tired being a freak with a big nose and crooked legs and now I have no Willie so I thought if you two showed me yours I’d know what a girls one looks like and I might be able to find mine” I stopped, took and deep breath and waited for them to drop their knickers. “I’m not showing you anything” Gina spoke with a mix of horror and laughter “once you lose your willie then it’s gone forever, you’ll just have to stay a freak, now get out and stop annoying us.” The tears I held in began to fall as I made my way back out of the room and stood outside the door listening to my sisters laugh themselves silly. “I hope they laugh so hard that they pee in their own eyes with their stupid willie” I thought angrily trying to figure out how long I had to live now with this added deformity on the ever growing list of what was wrong with me.

The next day after a restless night of dreaming about willies chasing me and chanting “You haven’t got one” I got up and washed my face and began to plan “where’s my willie”. I figured that once mine was gone forever there was no point searching for it so I’d Just have to make one. It seemed easy enough and once it had a hole in either end for the pee to come out then I could glue it on and no one would ever know I’d lost my willie. Excited now I ran to the kitchen looking for what I could use to make one and after pulling most of the kitchen apart I found what looked like a “willie” but was in actual fact a pastry holder but it was hollow straight through so I would be able to pee without any trouble.

The next part was tricky, I have a willie to glue on myself and I have the glue to glue it on with but how in the hell was I gonna get it on properly. I’d have to lie down for this. Sneaking up to the room I share with way too many people I sighed with relief to find it empty and danced around the room in delight at my cleverness. I didn’t have long for there’s no privacy in this house so I set to work straight away relishing the thought of being normal for once.

But I forgot that I am Valerie, and I’m turning out to be famous for my stupidity and my new willie was causing screams never heard before in Ballymahon for I now had a pastry holder firmly glued to burning skin and it was beginning to look like I’d never pee again. Doctors wouldn’t be able to fix this one and I’d never live this down with my sisters.